Thursday, March 31, 2011

Useless Superpowers



I was telling my friend about how I am embarassed that I am afflicted with what you might know as Asian Flush. The usual reaction to my complaints are, "IT'S CUTE/NORMAL/TOTALLY FINE". What people don't realise is that I will drink half a beer (I am not exaggerating) and my face will flush redder than the rose you wish you were given by the valentine you wish you had. His response was, "Oh, I wish I went red when I drank...it's like a useless race-specific super power".



I don't look the best in these photos because they were the last batch Vinh and I did, and I look a bit like a drenched rat because well, it was raining and I was tired.

Cardigan: Cotton On (heh.)
Skirt: Kid's thrifted tutu.
Grey blouse: Thrifted
Booties: Birthday gift


All images shot byVinh Pham / Ve Noir Studios.


When I wore this outfit it attracted a few thousand confused and judging looks because:
1. Who wears a bright blue tutu on a grey day at university? Nobody.
2. It's an example of yet another case of "Jessica goes to a thrift store, browses in the children's section, forgets she is not the same size as she was when she was 7 and buys things that are too small for her". It's about the same length as a belt.

But it made me feel like a superhero, albeit a really skanky and attention-attracting superhero, but a superhero nonetheless. Sadly there were no kittens to rescue or maidens to woo on the day I wore this, though. The only good deed I did that day was making a conscious effort to not fall over and expose people to my underwear (which I wasn't very successful at doing).





Fleet Foxes' new album disappoints. I found what I thought was a download link to the leak and it was just Beyonce's 'Single Ladies 13 times over. THANKS, INTERNET. But it doesn't live up to their first album AT ALL.

The Tangled OST ON THE OTHER HAND!!! I must have a thing for Disney music because I am in love with this movie. It is the cutest thing, and I loved that as soon as the Princess opened her mouth to belt out a tune I knew straight away it was Mandy Moore. As well as singing 'When Will my Life Begin' every three seconds to whoever will listen (and everyone else who refuses to), I spent most of today rapping to Biggie Smalls, and singing everything from Mulan's 'I'll Make a Man Out of you' to Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" in the middle of university with Genvin and Matt C. We know how to have fun.

Also, HELLO TO THE GIRL who approached me today and asked for a photo with me. What the hell, you were too lovely. Please send through the photo to me :) (fartssica@gmail.com) Also hi to the girl who bumped into me while I was tipsy at UNSW Roundhouse. Awkward. It was really really lovely to meet you, I just suck at being social.



Saturday, March 26, 2011

Things that make the heart swell.



The way you move your hips,
when you're struttin' down the street
Oh it makes a man so weak in the knees


This is possibly the happiest song ever to be made. The video is full of goodness, the lyrics are full of goodness, and the saxophones are so full of goodness I might pass out (are they even saxophones? I question my knowledge of musical instruments). I couldn't ask for much more from a music video. The most adorable choreography and swimsuits straight out of the 50s. Not to mention this was all shot in one take and the song makes me want to verbally spew out little mewing kittens. It's all too much.

Also, this is how I advertise JessLovesFred.com;

Studying at my university's library and writing "Jesslovesfred.com Visit me for nude pics (and other assorted erotica)" on whiteboards. For anyone who has ever asked me how I attract readers, this is how. My secret is out. Also, get your friends to constantly yell out "HEY IT'S JESS FROM JESS LOVES FRED" at every possible opportunity (my friends actually do this. Sometime's its mildly amusing but mostly it's just highly embarassing).



Also:



Buying a really sick (REAL) and VINTAGE leather jacket for SEVENTY. DOLLARS. It wasn't from an op shop or anything either, it was from one of those ridiculously overpriced vintage resellers. What on earth? I've exceeded my luck quota for the year. | Basketball iphone photo fun, spending time with them through a good old fashioned basketball game and maccas run made me realise just how much I miss my high school friends.

I also miss conversations that go like this:
Friend 1: Don't vote the Greens, they'll increase carbon tax.
Friend 2: What's carbon tax?

To think that these people are now eligible to vote kind of scares me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Shittyrail



When faced with a crowd of early morning commuters, it's easy to choke. It's also easy to be one of those commuters, directing your collective anger towards whichever fuckwit person is being frustratingly slow while at the ticket machine. You concentrate all the hate and disappointment that you can harness in your body and unleash it upon said person with a silent fury that could make dinosaurs cry.

\



Cardigan: Courtesy of Toi et Moi
Dress: Thrifted
Boots: Thrifted
Title: Fil Mirceski
Photography: Vinh Pham

But once you get to the front of the line...

It's easy to forget the alphabet. Aardvark Town? Your half asleep, confused little brain tells you that it must be at the end of the options, where Zig Zag and Wagga Wagga are. Of course! It's easy to suddenly lose the ability to direct enough force into your finger, causing your selection not to be registered by the machine - because you didn't press it hard enough. Hysteric and close to tears, you wish the machine was dead. You wish death upon the machine's family members. Frantically, you jam your finger into the little metal square, more determined that you've ever been in your life. Get a grip on yourself! But it's okay. It's easy to mistaken your seventeen years of age as 'pensioner', watching your finger press the 'cancel' button to begin all over again. The annoyance of the people in line behind you searing skulls into the back of your head. And it is really easy to do it all again, get your selections right and then suddenly spill all your coins amongst the feet of the very people who could use those feet to stomp the sense out of your face.





I don't know why public transport creates incredible amounts of tension amongst commuters but I kind of take pride in the fact that I can insert my ticket into the barriers before the gate has even closed on the person before me. My self-worth is based on how fast I can buy a ticket at the ticket machine, looking around to check if anyone has seen what a good little commuter I am. I don't even know why this should even matter.



I wrote all this half asleep on the train.

P.S. Thanks to Toi et Moi for the amazing cardigan. I can wear it with almost anything and I love love love the fit. Check out their campaign, it's a street-style sort of thing. I'll post it up next time because I'm half on the phone and half asleep.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Music sounds better with you.


Just a few things I've been listening to.

Sister Wife - Alex Winston: Her voice reminds me of Miss Li. One track sounded like Tegan and Sara on drugs. For me, the general tone of this album reflects it's album art - lots of volcanic ash cloud hair, swans, clouds and show lights. It's one big party with some sweet harmonising and a lot of 'ooh's and 'ahh's. Her voice is really lovely, it sort of wraps itself around you and it's like being caught up in a really fun vocal river.



Music Sounds Better With you - Acid House Kings: Acid House Kings have pretty much come back with another generous serving of upbeat Swedish twee-pop that's just as saccharine sweet as all their other albums. I feel like it's all the same, though. The female and male vocals of Acid House King feel like two overly-adorable children with freckles holding hands and running through a park. Regardless of how bland they can sometimes sound, they always make for a good listen. Well, for me anyway. There'll always be a special place in my iTunes for ACK. I really like Waterfall. And I don't know if it's just me, but I can hear the slightest Swedish accent in their croonings, which just makes it all even more endearing.


The Last Night on Earth - Noah and the Whale: I liked First Day of Spring better, but this is still very good. His voice still makes me so happy.

The Memory Machine - Julia Stone: This whole album is amazing. Julia Stone's voice makes me sad, though. There's something about it that makes me fear everything bad in the world and drives me to want to hide under my bed for a thousand years. I really liked Lights Inside This Dream and Winter on the Weekend.



In the Wee Small Hours - Frank Sinatra: The jazzy instrumentals all feels so old-school, and I sort of want to go buy a cigar and take up smoking just so it completes listening to Sinatra. And there's this kind of sense of chivalry and manners and grand theatricality that hovers around you when you listen to his music. For some reason, though, his music keeps reminding me of Bambi and other old-school Disney movies. I don't know much about anything but it would be so ace if Bambi was scored to Sinatra. His voice is so smooth and it's starting to feel like my laptop is singing to me, which is making me fall in love with it just a little bit. Sinatra reminds me of thrift stores and rainy mornings.




Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rent free





You're The One That I want - Angus & Julia Stone (Grease cover)


Tenants don't last forever. Sometimes they out stay their welcome. Sometimes they start growing facial hair and start a meth lab in your bathroom. Sometimes you meet people in the grocery store whos hygiene and sensibilities appeal to you a lot more, and suddenly there's simply no more room for the original tenant. Maybe because they start to carve Satanic verses into the walls of your apartment because they've got nothing better to do. Maybe because they decided to buy a dog without telling you and when you stepped through the door for your quarterly property inspection, you got hit in the face with the overpowering stench of dog shit. Most of the time, though, they come and go without a fuss, and are gone when the contract ends. Maybe you were a good landlord, maybe not. You have room to improve with the next one that comes along.

Or you could just come live in my pants rent free. Either way is good for me.

I'm not even sure what I just wrote. What I do know, is that my friends and I stole a roll of barcode stickers at the supermarket that was originally marked for watermelons, stuck them on a packet of chips, and bought the chips for $0.27 cents. Evidence here (click).

Hope you're all having a very good week.
Image from here.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Jessicancel



So the title of this post is the product of a mosquito-bitten, swollen eye, and spewing at a train station. I'm not known to shy away from puns on my name, in fact I whole-heartedly embrace them with the enthusiasm of a thousand five-year-old children given the task of defecating all over the floor. I was meant to meet up with my friend, Vinh, whom I had joined forces with to take outfit photos for my blog. This was Friday. An hour before I was meant to meet up with him, I find myself spewing all over the Central station toilets and eyeing off the transit officers with a nausea-fuelled delusion that it'd be really cool to use their uniforms as a blanket and collapse on the floor.

"I'm sorry, I'll see you on MONDAY!!!", said I.
Come Monday, my eyelid decided to get into a battle with a mosquito, and lose. Resulting in this. So, all this materialised into two cancellations and the nickname "Jessicancel". I'm sorry again, Vinh!!





Blazer: Thrifted. Originally a school blazer from a Male Catholic primary school (which never fails to prompt, O HEY, U WEARING UR SKEWL BLAZA???).
Blouse: Thrifted.
Skirt: Thrifted.
Booties: Battered, and from Lovely Shoes
Bag: Thrifted.

But seriously, how ridiculously useless are mosquitoes. All they do is buzz and spread disease and be generally unattractive and hopeless and annoying. I spent Monday night searching 'mosquito' on Facebook and liking any anti-mosquito pages (one of them being "Dear Mosquitoes, make yourself useful and suck my dick, not my blood" or something equally vulgar and amusing). When I'm angry at you, you better watch out, I'm really dangerous. I search up pages on Facebook and like them instead of taking any real action like buying repellent or building myself a nest inside my closet to sleep in.





Uni so far has been a disappointment. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but not this. All uni is, is screwing around on my friend's Macbook photobooth, refreshing Twitter in lectures and walking up stairs. UNSW is just stairs. I doubt there is any flat ground, because going to university is the equivalent of spending seven hours straight on an exercise stepping machine. Oh, and writing blog posts. All I do is write blog posts for my media classes. And eat free sausages at free BBQs, which seem to be on every day of the week. It's still early days, though, so fingers crossed that things will look up sooner or later.





And give a big wave to Vinh, who will be taking my outfit photos from now on because I'm just a poor little university student who can't afford to shell out $100 everytime my prime lens decides to shit itself (which will probably be every day, considering my coordination level). He did a pretty good job on these ones, but it was the first outfit we shot so the other ones will be even better. Hurray. He is a legitimately passionate and an AMAZING photographer, so if you ever need anything - shots for your party, nude photos to send to your lover's mobile, glamour portraits of yourself to hang up in your living room - give Vinh a yell, and he'll do an incredible job for you.



Vinh's website and Facebook Page