You wake up. You turn on the TV. Suddenly, the words CRISIS ALERT flashes across the screen and your bleary eyes register the outlines of rapidly moving dark shapes. Suddenly: a flash of red. You blink twice. You rub your eyes anxiously. You open your eyes. You see zombies. A lot of zombies. Zombies in the supermarket. Zombies at Mcd's. Zombies eating people. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? I doubt you do, and this is where I help you, with a few guidelines that will ensure your survival.
1. Dress appropriately. This is not the time to pull out your 15cm heels and your peach liploss. Zombies WILL EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU, no matter what colour your lips are or how elevated your feet are. Zombies will chew the fuck out of your heels, and most likely your added height will attract more zombies. So don't do it. Stick to what's necessary:
Regulation gun (grab a few). Add a few more hand pistols into your Doc Martens or your bra or your underwear, wherever. Just grab a few more hand pistols and hide them all over your body. If you must, create some sort of mine that only explodes at the touch of zombies. Plant these all over your body. Bring a survival guide, or just print this blog entry out. A gun necklace is key, it shows zombies that you aren't afraid, you are parading your badassness, and your ability to shoot them in the head. Dark glasses are a must, so you can check out your opponents without their realisation. This way, you can catch them by surprise.
In their zombie heads they'll be all like, 'Dude, who's she going to shoot first?' 'I don't know, man.' And then BAM, they're dead. Studded jewellry is recommended, an easy weapon that will prove useful in face to face combat. Leather or some other durable material trousers are also recommended.
Things not pictured that you should consider:
- Hand sanitiser, to clean off any zombie guts that happen to get in the way.
- Consider installing rear view mirrors in some sort of hat that you can wear.
- I heard zombies don't like garlic. Maybe that's vampires. I don't know. Bring it anyway, just in case.
2. Don't fraternise with the enemy. No making out, no action under the shirt, over the shirt, anywear near the shirt. They're probably not even wearing a shirt. Try to ignore this, as you may fall for their charms. Be heartless, cruel and a complete bitch in your manner when approaching zombies. Don't look them in the eye. Just gun them down, move on.
3. In the case of your allies becoming infected - as above, be cruel. Be heartless. Ignore that this person has probably experienced a lot of good times with you, and imagine that person as a heinous bitch who's about to crack your skull open to get to your brain. Because that's all that person will end up becoming. Have no mercy.
4. Maintain communication with allies. This can be via radio, mobile phone, or the internet, but I strongly encourage against carrying a laptop or a desktop computer around. If the communication with an ally suddenly cuts off, or turns into suspicious gurgling, moaning or mindless growling, delete. Delete them off your communication list, delete them off Facebook.
5. Carry a stake around with you. Again, this may only apply to vampires, but you can never be sure.
God speed, zombie hunters.
Next guide is on the event of Alien Domination.
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